Greetings and welcome to this transformative journey,

You've embarked on this path because you've broken free from the confines of a belief system that shaped your reality for most, if not all, of your life. Now, you may find yourself in a state of discomfort, grappling with the realization that the well-structured plan and the promise of exaltation you once held dear no longer resonate with your true self. It's entirely natural to feel adrift in this new paradigm.

Perhaps you're still within the LDS church, but doubt has crept into your thoughts, and you're searching for assurance that leaving is the right choice. Many of us who've walked away from the church have wrestled with this very dilemma. The lifelong conditioning, the emphasis on adhering to the plan of salvation, paying tithes, and following the words of the prophets can create a profound fear. It's the fear that if we deviate from these teachings, we'll face eternal consequences. I stand here to offer you solace and to help you recognize that your decision to depart carries none of the dire eternal repercussions you may have been led to believe.

Allow me to introduce myself. I am LaRell, and like so many, I was born into the LDS faith. In fact, Brigham Young, the second prophet of the church, stands as my 4th great-uncle. My family's roots run deep within the LDS religion, with ancestors who were pioneers, braving the journey westward when persecution drove them from the eastern states, ultimately settling in Salt Lake City.

In addition to my personal journey, I want to acknowledge that I am a trans woman who, at one point, transitioned but has since embarked on a different path, returning to living as a man. This experience has provided me with unique insights into the complexities of identity and the ever-evolving nature of self-discovery. I share this with you to underscore the importance of embracing your authentic self, regardless of where your journey may lead.

Together, we will explore the liberating terrain beyond the confines of the LDS faith. We will unravel the layers of fear and doubt, and I am committed to helping you find not only comfort but also a profound sense of peace in your choice to embrace your true self and seek your own path to spiritual fulfillment. Welcome to this empowering journey of self-discovery and liberation.

I spent the formative years of my life in a quaint, small town nestled in the northeastern reaches of California, close to the California-Nevada border. During this period, my educational journey took an unconventional path as I was homeschooled from the second grade all the way through to my graduation. This unique educational experience allowed me to explore learning in a deeply personal and self-directed way, fostering a sense of independence and curiosity that continues to shape my perspective on life.

Following my upbringing in this close-knit community, I embarked on a profound and transformative journey—a two-year, full-time mission in the Ohio-Cincinnati Mission. This experience exposed me to a world beyond the familiar surroundings of my hometown, and it was during this time that I encountered diverse perspectives and beliefs, challenging me to broaden my horizons and expand my understanding of spirituality and humanity.

My connection to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints was further solidified when I received my endowment in the Oakland California temple. This sacred ceremony holds deep significance in the Mormon faith and serves as a symbol of commitment and devotion. It's worth noting that this is the very temple where my parents solemnized their marriage, adding an additional layer of familial and spiritual connection to this sacred place.

These early chapters of my life, marked by homeschooling, missionary service, and temple endowment, have played a vital role in shaping my journey. They have contributed to my unique perspective and deep understanding of the complexities surrounding faith, identity, and personal growth. As we continue on this journey together, I encourage you to reflect on your own life's chapters, recognizing the diverse experiences that have brought you to this moment of self-discovery and liberation.

My upbringing was rooted in an unwavering faith in the Church, and I had no reason to question its veracity. Throughout my formative years, I readily accepted the teachings and doctrines presented to me as absolute truth. In fact, I zealously defended these beliefs whenever they came under scrutiny from non-believers.

Upon completing my mission, I returned to my hometown in California and continued to live on my parents' property. I attended the same ward as my family for the subsequent 11 years. During this period, I remained steadfast in my belief in the Church. I served as the Ward Mission Leader for an extended duration, taking on responsibilities that included teaching the Gospel Principles class and working closely with the missionaries in our area.

In 2013, at the age of 32, I took a significant step by purchasing my own house and property in rural western Oregon. I made the move alone, and upon settling in Oregon, I sought out the local ward within my new geographical boundaries. My commitment to the Church remained unwavering, and I continued to embrace its teachings with full conviction.

However, a pivotal moment of change occurred during one Sunday when I overslept. The fear of arriving at church embarrassingly late, coupled with the realization that my absence went largely unnoticed, prompted me to reconsider my routine. This happened more than once, and gradually, I came to the realization that I wasn't missing the spiritual nourishment I had once believed was essential.

In 2015, after nearly a year and a half of not attending church, I encountered a woman online who resided in Colorado and had no prior affiliation with the LDS Church. Our connection deepened through numerous visits to each other's states, and she even attended church with me on a few occasions. Despite my diminished attendance, I still held firm to my belief in the Church's truthfulness during this time. I maintained the conviction that in order to attain the Celestial Kingdom, I needed to be married in the temple. Consequently, I harbored the belief that she would eventually convert, and together, we would enter into a temple marriage.

These chapters of my life demonstrate the evolving nature of belief and the intricate journey of self-discovery that each of us embarks upon. As we navigate the complex terrain of faith and identity, it's important to acknowledge that change is an inherent part of the human experience, and it often leads us to unexpected places.

However, my perspective underwent a profound transformation during my time in the non-Mormon world alongside my then-girlfriend. As I interacted with people outside the Church, I came to a startling realization: they were not the horrid and wicked individuals I had been raised to believe they were. This revelation forced me to question the validity of other long-held beliefs instilled in me throughout my life.

To further explore these doubts and seek answers, I delved into a book titled "The Changing World of Mormonism." Little did I know that this literary journey would be the catalyst for a seismic shift in my worldview. The foundations of my identity, which had once been firmly established, began to crumble before me.

I went from a state of absolute certainty, where I believed I had a clear understanding of who I was as a human being and a meticulously outlined path to exaltation laid out before me, to a disorienting and tumultuous reality. Everything I had thought I knew was suddenly upended, leaving me feeling bewildered and adrift. The path that had once appeared perfectly laid out now disintegrated before my eyes, revealing that I, along with millions of others, had been unwittingly deceived.

This period of profound upheaval marked the beginning of my journey towards self-discovery and liberation. It was a time of challenging the deeply ingrained beliefs and narratives that had defined my existence for so long. As we navigate similar junctures in our own journeys, it's important to recognize that the process of questioning and deconstructing beliefs is a courageous step toward uncovering our authentic selves and finding the truth that resonates with our innermost being.

Following the revelation that everything I had held as truth was, in fact, not true, I entered a period of profound disbelief in anything spiritual or religious. This phase led me into the realm of full-blown atheism, where I staunchly rejected any form of religion, Christianity, or the concept of God that anyone attempted to profess. It was a time marked by a profound sense of isolation and darkness.

Amidst this tumultuous spiritual journey, I had the fortune of finding an incredible woman and her daughter, both of whom I loved deeply and who brought a tremendous amount of happiness and joy into my life. However, despite this newfound love and connection, the absence of concepts like "Eternal Salvation" and "Temple Marriage" left me grappling with a profound existential crisis.

The loss of these familiar and comforting spiritual constructs left me feeling adrift, as if I had been cast into an unfamiliar and uncertain world. It was a challenging period where I navigated the complex emotions of grief, loss, and a deep longing for the spiritual certainty that once defined my life. This sense of emptiness and existential questioning is an experience that many individuals face when they undergo a significant shift in their belief systems.

As we explore these aspects of your journey, it's essential to acknowledge that periods of doubt and spiritual searching are natural responses to the profound upheaval of deeply held beliefs. These moments of introspection can ultimately lead to a deeper understanding of oneself and the discovery of new sources of meaning and purpose.

I was born as a male in the year 1980, a time when society as a whole was still grappling with the acceptance of individuals whose gender identity did not align with the binary norms of the era. The teachings of the Mormon church, which propagated the idea that we were predestined as either male or female before our earthly existence, compounded the confusion and unease I felt about my own identity. It was a time when I wondered what this meant for my very existence. Did it mean I was some sort of anomaly, a freak?

At that point in my life, I had no awareness of the existence of others who shared similar experiences and feelings. In my isolation, I genuinely believed that I was the sole individual on this entire planet who experienced the profound conviction that I was a girl trapped within a boy's body. It was an incredibly lonely and bewildering place to be.

The weight of societal and religious expectations pressed down upon me heavily, and I learned from an early age that I had to suppress this integral part of my identity at all costs. And so, I did just that. I guarded my secret with unwavering determination, carrying it with me through the years until I reached the age of almost 37.

By that time, I had already been blessed with a loving and supportive wife, and I had distanced myself from the influence of the church long enough to realize that I had a fundamental right to explore my own identity authentically. It was at this juncture in my life that I began the courageous journey of self-discovery and self-acceptance, understanding that my identity was far more complex and multifaceted than the narrow confines that society and the church had once imposed upon me.

This chapter of my journey serves as a testament to the resilience of the human spirit and the profound transformation that can occur when we embrace our true selves, regardless of the constraints placed upon us by society or religious institutions. It is my hope that by sharing this part of my story, others may find inspiration and solace in their own quests for self-acceptance and authenticity.

Even after embracing my true self and sharing my life with the love of my life, I couldn't escape a pervasive sense of aimlessness. The well-laid-out path that the Mormon church had provided me, while confining in many ways, had also offered a sense of structure and purpose. Without it, I felt adrift.

If someone were to ask me at that time, I would have put on a brave face and declared that all was well since leaving the church. But in truth, I was grappling with a profound sense of loss. I had lost my roadmap to heaven, and I found myself haunted by fear, constantly questioning if I had irreparably damaged my eternal future. Sleepless nights were spent pondering whether the church might actually be true, and if I would be condemned to outer darkness for once believing and then rejecting its teachings. The doubts loomed large: What if being queer or trans was indeed wrong? What if my true self was meant to be male in the pre-existence, and I had jeopardized my chance of receiving the promised blessings in heaven by deviating from the plan of salvation? It was a dark and frightening period.

Externally, I maintained a facade of confidence, insisting that I was doing great and that I had made the right choice to leave the church. But internally, those fears and doubts weighed heavily on me, casting a shadow over my life.

Over the past eight years, however, my wife and I embarked on a remarkable journey of growth and self-discovery. Guided by a force greater than ourselves, we found the perfect sequence of resources, knowledge, wisdom, and understanding that enabled us to discover comfort, peace, and joy in this world. We learned to cultivate our own personal spirituality that transcended the boundaries of organized religion. We developed our own beliefs about the nature of God or a higher power, all while respecting the diverse beliefs of others. We have no intention of dissuading anyone from their own beliefs or suggesting that their faith is misplaced.

This course is not designed to lead you back to religion or God, nor is it necessarily intended to set you on a different spiritual path. Instead, it is a collection of practices that I have crafted throughout my own journey of having my entire belief system upended, and subsequently, finding a renewed sense of self, safety, and comfort in the world. Along the way, I've gleaned invaluable lessons that I'm eager to pass on to those who find themselves in a similar place—those who feel lost and bewildered, unsure of how to navigate a life that suddenly looks entirely different.

Many refer to this as a "Faith Transition," and I've designed this course to facilitate your transition as smoothly as possible, with as little fear and disorientation as one can hope for. My aim is to assist you in your faith transition without any shame or implication that your choices are anything less than what is right for you.

I invite you to join me on this journey as we explore key steps to rediscovering your sense of self and gaining a fresh perspective on the world and existence in the post-Mormon context. This course is a beacon of hope for those who have experienced upheaval in their beliefs and are seeking a path toward self-discovery, healing, and a renewed sense of purpose.